Historical Resolutions — The Philolexian Society of Columbia University

Every Thursday during the academic term, the Society debates a Resolution. Some are gravely topical. Most are not. The Constitution requires only that each be introduced with the word Resolved, that it be argued on both sides with a degree of theatricality that the room can sustain, and that its passage or failure be recorded in the minutes by the Scriba — whether or not anyone actually intends to abide by the result.

What follows is a partial archive. The bulk of it is drawn from the student Society's own resolution log, which begins (in surviving form) with a handful of flyers from the 1990s and picks up in earnest in the fall of 2003. The Annual Dinner Resolutions at the top are a separate tradition: once a year, the assembled alumni argue a single Resolution over dessert. Both together give some indication of the register in which the Society thinks.

For current resolutions, the Society posts each Thursday's to Instagram on the morning of the meeting.

The Alumni

Annual Dinner Resolutions

The Foundation's Annual Dinner concludes each year with a single Resolution debated by the assembled alumni. Recent years, from the dinner programs:

2026: “Cannibalize the Old.”
2025: “All literature is fan-fiction of the Bible.”
2024: The Most Ethical Use for Time Travel is the Prevention of the 2008 Housing Crisis.
2023: Tell your wife I love her.
2022: You should give me money.
2021: I Will Vaccinate You.

The Students

Thursday Meeting Resolutions

A partial reverse-chronological archive of resolutions from the student Society's Thursday meetings. Outcomes shown where recorded.

Fall 2018

Almonds are wood. Passed
I'm proud of you, son. (Geezer Night) Failed
Man is a featherless biped. Failed
Let's unpack that. Failed
Ma'am, I'm here to fix your pipes. Failed
I have earned these organs. Failed
God is flat. Failed
There's something up. Passed
Your first time is always bad. Passed

Spring 2017

Robocop would make a pretty good pope. Passed
Banana Republic is a better name for a child than a clothing store. Passed
In the context of cereal, milk is a sauce. Failed
Plato is a hoax invented by Socrates to be the ultimate hype man — and Spec is in on it and actively covering this up. Failed
I'm the most dateable person in this room. Passed
Soft-shell tacos are better than hard-shell tacos. Passed
You cannot teach an old dog the meaning of its own mortality. Passed
If you die in Canada, you die in real life.

Spring 2016

Air quotes are “suspicious.” Passed
Bring back Feudalism. Passed
Hermit crabs are the most sociable of sea creatures. Passed
Twitter v. Bird. Failed
Dirigibles: Enough is enough! Passed
Dinosaurs are a fraud. Failed
Not all knowledge is worth having. Passed
We are all entitled to three chickens. Failed
The bigger problem is that we are all stranded in the vacuum of space. Passed
Ignoring problems long enough makes them go away. Failed
Bromance is dead. Passed
Our jokes define our reality. Passed
Friends are a crutch for the weak. Passed
Shhh … shhh … it's capitalism. Passed
Killing one bird with one stone should be enough for anyone. Passed
Librarians vs. Libertarians. Passed
You thought it was paint but it ain't. Failed
Retirement is for quitters. Passed

Fall 2015

Being cool is better than being happy. Failed

Spring 2015

The Fall of the Soviet Union was a Hoax.
Replace Congress with a Ouija Board.
Marriage is a Sacred Bond Between a Man … and the Sea.
It Is Not Okay to Be an Astronaut.
Everything the Light Touches Should Be Mine.
Revenge Can Be Spectacular.
Batman Is the Modern-Day Hamlet.
All Straights Are Dire.

Fall 2014

NSOP wasn't that bad.
There is an objectively best sandwich.
Ronald Reagan was a demi-god.
Marriage is for the weak.
End women's suffrage.
Taylor Swift v. Jonathan Swift.
They can't send us ALL to detention.
You should take candy from strangers.
Human colonies on other planets — yes? no? what kind?

Fall 2013

Finders keepers applies to everything. Failed
Space Jam is a modern retelling of the Bible. Passed
We live in a dystopian future. Passed
Replace the Core with YA Lit. Passed
We only experience love because art tells us about it. Failed
America is for wimps. Passed
Nothing good ever comes from an -ism. Failed
Human communication is ruining social media. Passed
Halloween brings out our true selves. Passed
America is like a metaphor. Failed
Puns not guns. Passed
It's not real unless we remember it. Failed

Spring 2013

Somebody should do something about all the problems. Passed
Social ties are only useful for garnering power. Failed
The NSA would make the best boyfriend. Failed
Wordplay is better than foreplay. Passed
Science isn't real. Passed
Hedonism is too exhausting. Failed
If life were a horror movie, I would be the first to die. Passed

Fall 2012

The Supreme Court should decide cases through trial by combat.
The laws of nature do not apply to humans.
Art is the root of all suffering.
It's too late for Earth; we need to flee into space.
If it can't be bought, it's not worth having.
Technology can never increase human happiness.
Suffering is preferable to boredom.
Only obey good laws.
Superman is the American Jesus.

Spring 2012

Occupation is the greatest American pastime.
Any problem can be resolved by pretending it doesn't exist.
Trophy husband is a legitimate career aspiration.
Dinosaurs are better than ghosts.
Replace the Euro with seashells.
There is nothing wrong with heterosexuality.
I have the best face.
Everyone is better off naked.
If you eat it, it is food.
Video games prepare people for healthy social interaction.
Tradition is useless.

Fall 2011

Children's television shows reflect the darkness of the human soul.
Babies have no value.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Let justice be done though the world perish.
Lowered expectations save lives.
Time is a thing of the past.
Helping the elderly prolongs their suffering.
Romantic comedies provide useful dating advice.
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
Humans have had their chance; let robots have a shot.
The Christmas Miracle is more miraculous than the Hanukkah Miracle.

Spring 2011

Capitalism is unnatural.
Education is wasted on the rich.
Revenge is always justified.
The internet has permanently stunted human development.
Everyone needs a nemesis.
Words have lost their power.
It is better to die with dignity than to live with shame.
Nostalgia was better back in the day.
With no power comes no responsibility.
The moon should belong to America.
Everything good will kill you.
Facts are inconvenient.
Immortality is undesirable.

Fall 2010

Legalize murder. Passed
Ms. Frizzle is a better science teacher than Bill Nye.
Humanity has not earned the right to exist.
Congress shouldn't make laws.
Seduction is for animals.
I am not a witch.
Philosophers are just lazy scientists. Passed
It's better if it's not your own. Failed
All jobs are a form of prostitution. Passed
We won't be safe until every American owns a gun. Failed
Tolerance is the downfall of civilization. Failed

Spring 2010

If you're not offending someone, you're doing it wrong. Passed
The best marriage is an arranged marriage. Passed
Children are essentially worthless. Passed
Science kills dreams. Failed
Where words fail, fists prevail. Passed
Humanity is the least successful species on Earth. (Geezer Night) Failed
There is a God, He's just not that into you. Passed
The only alternative to boredom is insanity.
19th-century child labor made the world what it is today. Failed
Modern technology is interfering with human communication. Failed

Fall 2009

Shame is the most important emotion. Failed
An Ivy League education is only good for making other people feel stupid. Failed
The South will rise again. Failed
If I can't see it, it doesn't exist. Failed
An overreaction is a better reaction. (Geezer Night) Passed
Things will never get better. Failed
I will fight a gorilla. Passed
It won't ruin the friendship. Passed
Mo' money, mo' problems. Passed

Spring 2009

Postmodernism is behind the times.
Fashion is not art.
Animal rights come at the expense of human needs.
Baby boomers are the worst generation ever. (Geezer Night)
First-year housing should be shittier.
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
The meaning of life is irrelevant.

Fall 2008

Gay marriage isn't wrong; all marriage is wrong.
What alcohol cannot fix is not a problem.
College students are above the law.
An addiction to elegance is a virtue, not a vice.
Children's stories shouldn't end happily ever after. (Geezer Night)
Social science is to science as tofu is to food.
The laws of science are unconstitutional.
Carmen Sandiego is a positive female role model.
Refrigerators make crime inevitable.
Natural selection is over. We won!

Spring 2008

The easy way is always the best way.
Pope v. Bear.
Bring back prohibition.
All literature should be choose-your-own-adventure.
Perspective solves everything. (Geezer Night)
We only want what's bad for us.
Penguins deserve to fly.
We are going to run out of reasons to live before we run out of natural resources.
Art cannot be made intentionally.
Having an embarrassing name is worse than having an embarrassing face.

Fall 2007

Madness and genius are separated by degrees of success.
Offense taken at art is a sign of weakness on the part of the observer. (Geezer Night)
Ugliness is the result of personal failure.
Vegetarians don't care as much about animals as they say.
Suffering makes you legitimate.
The detrimental effects of smoking do not outweigh how cool you look doing it.
The 21st century will be characterized by unceasing boredom.

Spring 2007

If you say it loud, it's true.
Everyone is an asshole when you get to know 'em. (Geezer Night)
The Dead have it better than the Living.
English is the Sexiest Language.
Sacrilege is Subjective.
Parents have no business raising children.
Change comes through the barrel of a gun.

Fall 2006

Organized sports are a greater threat to society than organized religions.
Children are our future … unless we stop them now!
Somebody should do something about all the problems.
It's miserable to be middle-class.
Money is wasted on the old. (Geezer Night)
Save us, not the whales.
Most problems solve themselves, given time and wilful ignorance.
Science geeks are sexier than humanities geeks.
Combat global warming by moving the Earth farther from the Sun.

Spring 2006

Google has killed the search for truth.
Progress is measured in large explosions.
Feminism killed chivalry.
Property is theft.
All history is black history.
Let's get back to our roots and work the land.
Humanity has killed natural selection.
The human race will be extinct in our lifetimes.
Words suffocate thought.
Gender equality can only be achieved in deep space.
Ignorance is strength.

Fall 2005

Life will be better under the sea.
Everyone has culture … except white people.
Faith is sexier than reason.
All history is biography.
The people who make interesting art are never interesting. (Geezer Night)
There is no such thing as progress.
Love is biology masquerading as poetry.
The Supreme Court should be chosen by lottery.
Inheritance has no place in the capitalist system.

Spring 2005

Death is an Illusion.
Only the Grammatically Conscious Deserve a Home on the Internet.
End the Space Program.
There is no reason to do anything.
If you stole it, you've earned it.
Conversation is a dying art. (Geezer Night)
Religion is the Stimulant of the People.
Shallow is the New Deep.

Fall 2004

Censorship is the highest form of flattery.
Chicks dig scrawny pale guys.
Vegans are lower on the food chain.
There is no habitat for humanity.
We need more chlorine in the gene pool.
Minimalism is just another word for laziness.
Companies love misery.
Undergarments are so twentieth century.
Instead of killing imaginary monsters, just talk to people.
Suicide should be decriminalized.
All the Iraqi interim government needs is an orientation week.

Fall 2003

We must strike now, while England is weak.
New York City should outlaw cars.
Successful plagiarism is creative writing.
History is written by the victors, but studied by losers.
The Coyote is a far more appealing figure than the Roadrunner — in a Miltonian “better to rule in Hell than serve in Heaven,” tragic, rebellious kinda way.
A jury has no more right to kill you than I do.
The lemmings know something that we don't.

The Flyer Archive

From the 1990s

Culled from Philo flyers preserved by Adam Fields (ca. 1994–1996) and Thalia Robakis (ca. 1999). Terms not always identifiable.

Ca. 1994–1999

Agnosticism is a form of cowardice.
Art is bunk.
Barbie lives in spiritual impoverishment.
Belief in God makes people do silly things and then yell at each other about it.
Blunders are worse than crimes.
Conversio Virum should be readmitted to Earl Hall.
Dammit, we should be learning about dead white males!
Dr. Seuss should be taught in the Core Curriculum.
Give us back the Cold War.
Happiness is fleeting; pain is real.
Hate makes the world go 'round.
Hedonism is the highest form of education.
History is better than science, and always fucking will be.
Human dignity is worth more than economic progress.
Insanity is no excuse for murder.
Intelligence is an illusion; stupidity is all too real.
It's better not to ask.
Mental masturbation is birth control for intellectuals.
More attractive people really are better.
Nothing beats tension like killing your neighbors.
Of all major religious figures, Buddha would have made the best DJ.
Old age is not worth sticking around for.
Only obey good laws.
Paranoia is better than apathy.
Revenge is the poor delight of petty minds.
Science is more important than the humanities.
Self-worship is the only valid religion.
Some cultures deserve to perish.
Sometimes it helps to have victims.
Student government is amazingly lame.
Student government is still, once again, for the fifth smash year, amazingly lame.
The best form of government is no government at all.
The path to enlightenment leads directly through the Dorito® Aisle.
The proposed increase in class size will destroy the College.
The struggle to maintain identity is stronger than the desire to assimilate.
Tolerance of homosexuality should be taught in NYC schools.
Trust is out of style.
When in doubt, choose the more complicated solution.
Women already have equality.
Yield to temptation — it may not come your way again.
You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.

Sources: The student Society's own resolution archive at columbia.edu/cu/philo/resolutions/ (Fall 2003 through Fall 2018, plus the 1990s flyer archives assembled by Adam Fields and Thalia Robakis) and the Foundation's Annual Dinner programs (2021–2026). Editorial cleanup applied for readability; original wording preserved wherever possible. Corrections and additions welcome via the Contact page.